Caring for Your Aging Parents, Even If They Were Abusive: Tips and Tricks

Deal with Abusive Elderly Parents? Parents are often there for us when we need them, and it’s human to want to take care of them in their time of need. But what do you do if your parents were abusive? Caring for an aging parent can be a difficult experience, but this article will provide tips and tricks that may help you deal with the difficulties head-on.

How to Deal with Abusive Elderly Parents

When you are a child or individual that has lived through emotional or physical abuse throughout their life by their parents, it takes a toll on you. We know that when a child is abused this can lead to fear, trauma, and low self-esteem in the near future.

So what happens when your parents are starting to age and they need someone to care for them? It’s no secret that caring for aging parents is difficult, but caring for aging parents that were abusive is even harder. 

Folks in this situation might be feeling the burden of caring for someone who could have done a better job caring for them. As you got older, you had to learn to cope with the abuse that happened to you.

Going to therapy, seeking out help, and maybe even needing to take medication. It’s not that easy to just “let it go”, right? Which is ultimately what you feel you would need to do in order to care for your aging parents yourself. 

So how can you be for your aging parents who were abusive to you?

So how can you be for your aging parents who were abusive to you?

First, it is important to remember that the abuse was not your fault and you were not responsible for what happened. Those who have been abused adopt these psychological feelings of self-doubt, depression, and low confidence. 

If you feel as though you can’t care for your parents, there are other outlets you can try. Perhaps you can try seeking help from family and friends. Since there is minimal financial support for aging parents, it can oftentimes feel like a burden to try and care for loved ones while also taking care of yourself.

Try to reach out to friends and family for guidance on your situation or ask if they can help care for your parents. Not only can they help you care for your parents, but they can also help as an emotional support system for you as well. 

If you choose to care for your parents, keep a regular schedule for them and yourself. Keeping your parents busy and active will help you tremendously to keep you on track while also giving your parents the interactivity they need daily.

So how can you be for your aging parents who were abusive to you?

Also, if you have a schedule, it makes it easier to have others help you when it comes to driving them to events, doctor’s appointments, etc. Some schedule examples would be: 

Morning:

  • Hygiene and Bath 
  • Breakfast 
  • Gardening

Afternoon:

  • Lunch 
  • Exercise 
  • Nap 

Evening:

  • Dinner 
  • Game night 
  • Evening Hygiene 
  • Bed 

Set Boundaries First 

There is a method called “detaching” that many therapists recommend using when you are dealing with abusive parents. This is when you learn to practice emotional distance from the actions of someone else, or in this case your parent. 

10 Signs of Emotional Abuse from Parents – a good video that explains a lot

This mindset allows you to come to terms with letting go of controlling someone else’s actions or feelings. Once you learn to detach from that urge to control their toxic behavior it forces the individual to face their consequences themselves. 

This comes in handy with loved ones who have an addiction but also with loved ones who are abusive. You feel this guilt and need to take care of them but at the same time, you need to take care of your own mental health. Detaching from that guilt you feel will help you set boundaries when this type of situation arises. 

For example, if you choose to care for them and they start to get aggressive and verbal with you, state to them that you will arrange other care for them. You can then remove yourself from that negative headspace but still let them get the care they need through someone else. These are the boundaries you want to have planned out before you become all in. 

What are some of the resources a caregiver can take advantage of?

There are lots of resources out there that can help you care for your parents. Everything from insurance assistance, financial assistance, and even elderly care. A great website to look into is an elderly care locator to find a care center near you. 

Set Boundaries First

Click this link: www.eldercare.acl.gov and find support for your parents. There are also specific resources out there depending on your parents’ condition such as Alzheimer’s support and Dementia support.

Check out this website, they give a whole list of available resources out there for caregivers like you! Caregiving

Learning to be kind even in tough situations

The older we get, due to underlying circumstances our minds slowly start to slip and this causes individuals to become aggressive and abusive to caregivers, family, and friends even if they have no record of being that way. This is something that happens naturally to individuals that start to lose more and more brain function. 

This can be specifically hard on those family members who were abused growing up. You’ve grown up telling yourself you would never be like your parents but in this situation, it is very difficult. Remember to try and be respectful and kind.

Learning to be kind even in tough situations

Being angry towards them won’t do anything but escalate the situation. If it becomes too much, remember, there are other resources and outlets you can turn to have others help you are for your parents. 

In Conclusion

Throughout this process find what works best for you and your mental health, there are many different options to choose from when caring for an aging parent. Push those feelings of guilt back and find what your personal soul needs in this situation. Don’t let others dictate how you handle this situation, find those who will support you, understand and lend a helping hand when needed. 

Remember to set boundaries for yourself and your parents, and always come prepared with a schedule. Have a plan ready if things start to feel too overwhelming. You aren’t alone and have multiple options to help care for your parents if you feel you can’t. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Learning to be kind even in tough situations

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How Caring for Aging Parents Can Affect Your Life

How Caring for Aging Parents Can Affect Your Life? You and your parents can live together, or maybe you live almost a thousand miles apart; whatever be the situation, you may soon find yourself hugely responsible for their daily care and well-being.

How Caring for Aging Parents Can Affect Your Life article cover image

Recent studies have proved that caring for aging parents can have many effects on the quality of life, including financial and emotional impact.

How Caring for Aging Parents Can Affect Your Life

A time will come when you need to reflect on your role as a caregiver and how it affects your life, in general. 

How Caring for Aging Parents affects your children

Caring for aging parents when you are married with children can have both positive and negative results. There is no doubt that the children imbibe a deeper meaning of family’s importance by making sacrifices. They may also feel proud of making as much contribution as possible to bring about a positive difference. All these can lead to a growth in moral character. 

However, there are some harmful effects too which cannot be ignored at all. For example, the children will miss the nuances of childhood, and they might start missing their parents more as the latter would not be able to give them as much as before.

In the worst-case scenario, a child may feel abandoned. These are kids who are at a considerable risk of contracting anxiety disorders and depression. It becomes a standard feature when the person receiving the care lives in the same house with them. 

How Caring for Aging Parents affects your marriage

Caring for aging parents is a real tough challenge. A marriage may suffer heavily as caring for aging parents is very demanding, and one needs to give continued attention. However, good communication between the partners and proper planning can help you avoid a marriage crisis. 

When a couple decides to care for an aging parent, the one with the biological connection has the most significant sense of responsibility and an emotional attachment that goes deep. There is also another factor that should be considered.

If an adult offspring has been unable to live up to his parents’ expectations, living together can only make things worse for him. In these cases, honest and transparent communication can help settle things between a parent and a child. 

A husband or the wife may brood over the loss of couple time as one of the partners will be squeezed between an aging parent who needs constant care and a spouse who is probably a bit disgruntled.

So, to save a marriage, it is essential that a couple speaks to each other often and somehow squeezes out their own time from the busy and demanding schedule. 

How Caring for Aging Parents affects your job

Caring for your aging parents is an appreciable endeavor, but some caregivers stretch this a bit too far by deciding to quit the job altogether. The benefits of quitting a job to look after a parent are straightforward and do not require any explanation, but the actual effects are very complex. 

The loss in the monthly income will have a telling effect on your life’s quality unless you are somehow related to a billionaire! The job quitting scenario may seem to be a temporary one initially, but caregiving’s responsibility can continue for months and sometimes even years.

So, it is crucial to think about the long-term implications of quitting a job and how it might affect your financial future. 

Stepping in to help your aging parents is indeed a good deed. If they have substantial assets and do not outlive their savings, then you will recover some of your losses by inheriting those when they die. But the best advice would be never to depend on such an outcome and leave your job.

How Caring for Aging Parents affects your mental health

The psychological and emotional effects of caring for an aging parent can be profound and heart-wrenching. The caregivers are usually very stressed out, and their feelings of depression and isolation scale new heights almost every week.

The pressure of looking after your aged parents can leave the signs of wear and tear on the caregiver’s physical health. There can be occasional outbursts of anger or impatience, but all these emotions are mainly due to looking after an aging parent in these difficult times.

The experience can be overwhelming, and there is no doubt that the stress levels will only increase with each passing day. Thankfully, many counselors are experienced in dealing with caregiver issues and will guide you accordingly to lead and relax and carefree life despite looking after your aged parents. 

I know that is all a lot to think about – but when you know what you are dealing with, it helps to give yourself “recovery” options as a caregiver.

You got this.

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